Should (Or Shouldn't) You Tell People You Are Planning to Elope?

What factors should you consider before telling anyone that you plan to elope? Here’s what you need to know

13-minutes read

Are you considering eloping? If so, there are a lot of factors to consider when deciding on a small intimate wedding; one is should (or shouldn’t) tell people you are planning on eloping

Some couples, don’t want a super fast spur-of-the-moment decision. Some couples may want to plan their elopement months or even years in advance. No matter if it’s a short lead time elopement or you have taken a more traditional approach and plan one over the next 12 to 18 months, one thing to consider is how and when you are going to tell your family and friends, who to invite and who not to invite.

For other couples, choosing not to tell anyone about their elopement plans is important to them. So, you won’t be surprised to learn, one question we get asked a lot at Elope is, “Should we tell our nearest and dearest that we are planning on eloping or is it better to wait until after we have eloped?” Then this question is quickly followed up with another; “And whenever we choose to break our elopement news, what is the best way to tell people?”

colourful invite to an elopement after party

Should you keep your elopement a secret?

If you’re considering eloping, you might be debating whether to keep your elopement a secret or tell your family and friends to avoid drama. There are pros and cons to both options. On the one hand, the thought of an elopement is about being spontaneous and traditionally keeping it secret. But on the other hand, you may want to tell your friends and family so they can celebrate in some way with you.

At E-lope, we believe doing what is right for you under your unique circumstances is important. The joy of eloping is that there are no rules, traditions or guidelines to break. You don’t even have to go to Gretna Green anymore! You can keep it a secret or tell some or all of your family and friends.

Although more and more people are becoming receptive to the idea of a small wedding, but not everyone will understand your reasoning, and some, whilst they understand elopements, will still be disappointed to learn that they have not been included in your wedding plans.

Reserve your date and wedding rings at Lympne Castle

Factors to consider when planning a tiny wedding

Booking an intimate wedding is ultimately a romantic occasion, especially if you book a Castle in Kent, England. So team E-Lope’s view on sharing your big news before or after your tiny wedding is about what makes you happy. If you are the type of couple who values privacy and intimacy, then secretly eloping might be the perfect choice for you. However, If you love surprises, keeping your elopement a secret may also be right for you, then why not post your elopement and invite everyone to a celebratory party – did you know The Castle Westehanger would also love to host your large After Party!

On the other hand, if you can’t stand to keep secrets and want to share your news, you should tell them beforehand. Whatever you choose, one consideration is how to share the post we’ve got married news or pre-elopement.

Are you worried about how people will react to your elopement?

If you are close with your loved ones and you know they will be supportive, then it might not be an issue to tell them of your plans before you elope. But, if you are worried about how people will react to your news, keeping your plans a secret might be easier. This is a very personal decision, so team E-Lope recommends asking yourselves are you eloping because you:

Don’t want the stress of a big wedding
Want to avoid the expense of a big wedding
Want to keep the day about you
Don’t want to please anyone other than yourself
Have a difficult relationship with some people in your family
Want to keep the day full of intimate moments
Choose where to get married without worrying about whether or not it meets everyone else’s approval
Don’t want to project manage your wedding, no matter how big or small
Want a relaxed day without any fuss
Want to avoid any drama prewedding and don’t want any added pressure
Don’t want anyone to know about your relationship?
Are you in a hurry
Have a large social media following and want to marry out of the limelight
Don’t want to go aboard
Don’t want to marry at Gretna Green
Are unwell, and it is important to marry now.

By asking some sole searching questions, your answers should help you consider all the potential consequences before deciding to tell or not to tell, or only to tell a select few (who can keep a secret!).

couple just eloped walking through a meadow stationery

Why keep your elopement secret?

Every couple we work with is different and has different reasons for eloping, so we thought it was better first to understand which couple sounds most like you.

Some couples can’t bear to keep anything a secret, as it becomes a heavy burden, so they tell everyone they plan to elope. This couple might love and enjoy gathering people’s perspectives on their perfect day.
Some couples love sharing their elopement news with a small group of people before their elopement, as they find this a relief. These couples may fix a date to share, or they will do it when they are ready or when the time feels right.
You won’t be surprised to learn that some couples love keeping their elopement secret. These couples delight in revealing the news to people after their wedding, but this doesn’t have to be on an actual day, even the day after or even a month later – when to share is up to you both.

The decision to keep your elopement secret or not is personal and depends on your priorities and what’s important to you both. Keeping an elopement secret has pros and cons, but hopefully, we can help you figure out what works best for you two.

The pros and cons of keeping your elopement secret

In weighing up the pros and cons of eloping, you should also consider, if you book, whether or not you tell any of the people around you. Whilst some people might still not ‘get’ eloping, to assure you, elopements are no longer about running away. Modern elopements are now about planning something different, unique, personal, intimate and special. Elopements are about not doing what everyone expects, like the big white wedding. So, a modern elopement might well include telling people you plan on eloping.

There are several advantages of keeping an elopement a secret.

Your reasons for keeping your elopement secret until an agreed date might include:

No one can object, disapprove of your plans or ask probing questions
No one can interfere with your decision or make suggestions or even changes!
One or more of you may not have a great relationship with your family, so you don’t want them involved in your plans at all.
Your love of keeping secrets and love of surprising people
Being a romantic at heart, you want to keep your greatest adventure a secret.

However, on the flip side, you should expect some people to be a little disappointed or even hurt at your elopement news. This is especially true if the person had always imagined playing a pivotal role in your wedding, such as your mum – not being included can be one of the most significant issues to come to terms with. Even your greatest fan might be disappointed that your plans don’t include them, so remember that everyone is entitled to their opinions and feelings, just as you are entitled to book a tiny wedding. So how do couples decide how and when to share their elopement news?

Why tell your friends and family before you elope?

If you plan on eloping and want to tell some of your nearest and dearest, even though they are not on the guest list, there can be some positives. For instance, you can still have a hen party, bridal shower, or stag do, and the team can help you pick out your outfits, and if you throw one, they can help organise your after-party. Your secret bearers can also ‘guard’ you from others who keep probing you about when you plan to marry. Also, it is our firm belief that your excitement about planning your elopement can rub off on them, and they won’t be able to wait for your return to hear all about it!

Seven tips to help you tell your friends and family that you are planning on eloping

It can be challenging to elope without telling or offending anyone, but it can be more difficult to organise a large wedding, invite and please everyone! There will be instances when you need to find the right words to tell your nearest and dearest that you have chosen to elope or that you have already eloped.

Here are our top seven tips when preparing to break the news that you are planning on eloping or have already eloped.

The first thing we recommend at E-Lope is that you put your thoughts down on a piece of paper about why you are planning on eloping or why you have eloped instead of hosting a traditional wedding. Your ‘whys’ might include how expensive a wedding is, that it’s your second or third marriage so you don’t want a big fuss, or you want to start planning a family soon but want to be married first.
Then consider qualifying your reasons, some of which can be from your heart and some from the head. Here are some expressions that we hope will help you;
“We didn’t want any fuss.”
“We didn’t want to wait.”
“After just buying a house together, we didn’t want the expense.”
“We are planning on using the money we saved by not having a big wedding to put down a deposit on a new home.”
“We didn’t want the expense of a large wedding at this stage of our life.”
“We are planning our intimate dream wedding.”
“An elopement is and always has been our vision.”
“An elopement is something we are both so excited about.”
“A big wedding was never something we pictured ourselves doing.”
“We don’t want to stress over a big wedding. It’s just not us.”
“An elopement is something we have thought deeply about.”
“Ultimately, as an adventurous couple, eloping is the right decision for us.”
“You know us. We both hate being the centre of attention.”
“Elope vs big wedding, it was a no-brainer for us.”
“As a consequence of our decision to elope, we are not planning on inviting any guests. It’s not our intention to upset anyone. But, after some long and hard discussions around our priorities, these are our reasons why…..”
And if you are not comfortable with the word elope, you could use words like “We’ve booked a tiny sweetheart wedding for just the two of us.” or “We’ve booked a romantic adventure for two”
Then we recommend writing a list of who you feel you need to tell and, importantly, who might be offended, and consider the best order to share your news and what’s your best tactic for each of them.
We would always recommend that, wherever possible, you have these conversations with your loved ones face-to-face, but of course, we understand this is not always possible.
Consider your tone and be sensitive. Many people don’t like the idea of a ‘just-the-two-of-us’ wedding – until they try it themselves! Remember to be excited but also be sympathetic to their emotions. They may take time to take onboard your news and the implications. So, once you’ve delivered the news, then expect to revisit the conversation when they’ve had more time to consider your decision.
Whatever you do, don’t find yourselves apologising. Your nearest and dearest may initially feel disappointed. They might even react adversely to the thought that you are contemplating not involving them in your wedding. But given time, if you have delivered your reasons in a positive light, and your grounds are genuine, they will adjust their expectations, even if they disagree with you.
Remain optimistic, excited and share some details of your elopement. If you continue to share your excitement and enthusiasm, we are in no doubt that family and friends will inherently start to share in your excitement. You could even set up a live feed.

How to tell your friends and family that you have eloped?

If you choose to elope first and then tell your friends afterwards, we believe the handy tips above are still relevant, but lots of our couples like to have a little more fun sharing their exciting news.

– inviting your closest family to come around for tea and then cut your incredible wedding cake, made by Serena

– sending text messages (see our blog on what type of couples elope) or images from the day

– sending out ‘We’ve eloped postcards (we love Canva where you can design your own) or if you are not creative or just don’t have the time, why not ask a specialist stationery designer to create something special for you (see our supplier page)

– hiring a videographer means you can send out a link for everyone to watch pretty much at the same time – just be prepared for your phone to go crazy!

– changing your status on social media from single to married – we wish you could add that you had just eloped, so we have tweeted about adding a drop-down!

– sharing your awesome photos on social media

– allowing us to share your awesome photos on social media

– throwing a post-elopement party to enable everyone to celebrate your joyous status change

– or sending beautifully designed and printed cards like these kindly designed by https://www.longlivelove.co.uk

Remember that when you elope, it is all about you two and your decision to follow a new path. Choosing the time and how you want to share your news is all about you and when you are ready to share!